squashing perfectionism

so i have a confession to make.

ready?

i did not take my children to a pumpkin patch this year.

gasp!

you read that right.

and it was "Stu's" first halloween and everything! oh well...poor Rosie has missed out on some big "all-American kid" milestones too, being the second child and all the stereotypes that accompany the position, so i guess it's ok that Stu will have some empty spots in his baby book, too.

who am i kidding? none of my three children even have a baby book. and i stopped journaling regularly when M was about 6 months old.

but that's neither here nor there.

so, not that i at all consider it a suitable substitute, but today the girls did get to do some gooey gut scooping out:
i bought a gorgeous butternut squash at Sprouts last weekend with the intention of making Stu's first taste of squash with it, and i finally got around to preparing it today. (incidentally, i was elated to learn we finally got a Sprouts Farmer's Market sort of near us! it opened a week or two ago, i think. it was a fun experience, and we'll definitely go back for our produce. oh, and for the ginger snaps...theirs are SO GOOD, and i SO LOVE a good ginger snap!)

i'm your average Type-A, neat-freak, control-freak, OCD mom, so you can bet i felt really big letting my girls make this mess. i let them go to town. not once did i tell them to be careful or not make such a mess. i sat beside them and made sure there were no injuries, but i was determined to just spectate and soak in the moment. and i was successful.

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Rosie can't quite say "scoop" yet, so she kept saying "coop! coop!" as she happily scooped out the goop. she was so proud of herself and the big help she was to me!

for the most part, they are not fans of "goop". M wasn't a fan of pumpkin goop last halloween, and i guess things haven't changed. but she, too, loves to help me and especially loves to cook.

and i wouldn't have ever known it had we not worked on this project together, but my girls love raw butternut squash! they kept asking for piece after piece. "nudda piece, mommy!" is what Rosie kept saying. i can't tell you how happy i am that my children love healthy foods.

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as i sat there watching them, i discovered that butternut squash smells a lot like pumpkin! and the goop looks very similar, but the good thing is there's less of it. (i have no idea...maybe they're in the same family?) which is when i finally made the pumpkin connection--we may not have made it to a formal pumpkin patch, but at least the girls got to experience the goopy fun of cleaning one in a roundabout way?

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i just got off the phone with a dear friend who was feeling a bit frazzled. she struggles with the same thing as me--being a perfectionist, want-it-all-done-now, neat-freak mom trying to balance it with the unpredictable nature of motherhood. (she as a 3-year-old and a newborn.) and as we commiserated, it occured to me that at the end of the day today, it won't be all the things i DIDN'T get done that i'll be thinking about like i usually do. (my daily to-do lists are always impossible and a sure set-up for failure.) it'll be the freedom and special memory my girls gifted me with at the kitchen table earlier today.

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which i guess means we need to make more messes. because those are the days that make me the happiest!

fun with four

big birthday fun today! our phones rang off the hook all day long. you would have thought M was a celebrity today with all of the phone calls she got!

since J had an event at school that would keep him there until after the girls' bedtime, he asked us to come have lunch with him to celebrate M's big day.

it was M's choice. the world was her oyster. and of course, she chose our beloved don juan's! when i asked her where she wanted to get lunch, she said she wanted to go there because we hadn't been there "in ages". i'm always amazed at what comes out of her mouth! but she was right--we haven't been there in a good bit!

on our way there, i decided to begin the process of having the girls figure out what they wanted to order. i asked M what she wanted to drink: sprite, root beer or strawberry. she said, "mommy, i'd like sprite. the sprite at don juan's so SO MUCH better than at mcdonald's"! once again, more confirmation that she's my girl. i, too, have beverage preferences at different restaurants!

what a big day! M got to sit at daddy's desk to eat her lunch.

and daddy surprised us all with CAKE! he went all out...cake, plates and napkins. good job, daddy! M even went around to the office staff and offered pieces to them. she told each of them, "i'd love to share my birthday cake with you"! i'm so thankful for my sweet, polite little lady.

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the girls got special birthday pencils from the ladies in the front office, and after we ate they got to draw at J's desk for a few minutes. M drew a picture of me that i'll forever keep. it's a smiley face with big loopy curly hair! i love it. i plan to frame it and put it on my side of our dresser.

and as we were leaving, daddy had another surprise in his car...BALLOONS! mylar balloons...the good kind that last longer!
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M running as we were leaving.

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i love to take photos of my children running. i have no idea why! they just make my heart happy.

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and then tonight, M got to set the menu for dinner. of course, she chose pancakes! i made her special ones with chocolate chips sprinkled on the top and four candles lit. Rosie and i sang to her and she blew the candles out. she got all but one out! then i helped her with the last one.

normally, i'd be a basket case today, drowning in a sea of memories and being stifled in the sentimentality. today i wasn't as crazy, thankfully! it was a long day, and Rosie and Stu kept me on my toes. i don't think there was a time today when at least one of them wasn't crying or whining about something! i texted one friend, "today's one of those days when all i want to do is curl up in a corner and cry"!

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ok, so maybe it wasn't that bad, but it made for a reeeeeally long day.

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our day wasn't completely void of sweet moments, though.

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this morning, about 10AM, M was on my lap in J's rocking chair. i realized what time it was and what i was doing exactly four years ago, and i shared that with her. not before i repositioned her where i was cradling her in my arms! four years ago, she had been born a few minutes prior, around 9:45, and my surgery was finishing up. she was with us in the operating room, being worked on by the nurses--stats being taken, getting cleaned up, etc.

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i figured in the back of my mind that she wouldn't much care to hear the story and she'd wiggle down from my lap, leaving me alone with my memories. but much to my surprise, she stayed there and asked to hear more! and more... and still more! i couldn't remember enough details to satisfy her. i resorted to describing all of the physical features i remembered about her on the day we finally met. she was riveted!

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i about cried right there. cradling my firstborn, looking each other in the eye, just the way we did exactly four years ago today.

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except this day was infinitely better--four years have transformed our teeny little baby into a vibrant, charismatic, ever-smiling little lady. she was grinning at me this morning, hands clasped so sweetly under her chin--as if in anticipation of hearing more!

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i was inspired by her blog and her post awhile back about her husband's birthday and how his mother calls him every year on that day and recounts the story of his birth. i decided when i read it that i'd do the same for my children. i love hearing every little detail about my own birth story! i just had no idea that they'd be interested this early in life. i won't lie and say i'm not delighted!

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after their nap today, M asked me, "mommy, may rosie and i perhaps have a snack to share?" oh my...the things she says!

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and then tonight i got the privilege of tucking my girls in. it's usually an honor reserved for daddy, but since he was at work i was able to do it! and what a wonderful night for it to fall. it was that moment, tucking M in, that i almost lost it finally. i pulled her covers up to her chin, just like she likes them. i smoothed her hair out of her face so i could receive my goodnight kiss. she was beaming--grinning from ear to ear, shoulders shrugged up to her jaws, hands clasped under her chin as is her signature pose. she looked me in the eye, the same color blue as my own, and i said, "happy birthday, my baby." she replied, giggling, "thank you!"

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before that, Rosie and i sang "happy birthday" to M. then they wanted to sing happy birthday to Rosie, and then to their friend Jillian. (apparently part of their new bedtime rocking chair ritual with J is singing happy birthday over and over again.)

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i don't know why it finally hit me this evening! i guess because birthdays only come once a year. it's a special day, and moreso when you have children to celebrate. there is just so much beauty and sweetness in each day as a mother, and birthdays just seem to bring it all out.

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and next month, i get to do this all over again for Rosie!

'twas the night before motherhood...

four years ago tonight, we were eating here with J's dad and brother:

the next morning, we became parents for the first time!

so guess where we ate tonight? you guessed it. mariano's! since M's fourth (FOURTH? REALLY?!) birthday is tomorrow, we decided to start celebrating early by taking her to the very place we dined on the night before she left my womb.

four years ago tonight, we got a message late from my OB informing us that there was an opening that had just come up for a c-section the next day (which would be a saturday), and would we like to have it. well, of course we would! M was already a week late--he'd attempted an induction the week prior, but sister decided to move UP further instead of moving down the way she was supposed to!

and i'm so glad we decided to wait and not continue with the induction after it was apparent it wasn't working...we'd learn during our c-section that her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck and it wasn't detected on the ultrasounds! one more reason we're thankful God is involved in the tiny details of our lives. only He knew the best possible time (and method!) for our M to arrive!

what a surreal experience! we were prepared for the possibility of having a c-section, but we didn't consider what it meant when it was pre-planned. to go to bed knowing for sure you'd be a mother the next day?! crazy! i'm a planner by nature and trade, but that's a whole other level...

so we spent the evening packing (i'm almost certain i'd never finished up until that point) and not sleeping. i think we finally went to bed very early that morning, but even then i don't think we actually hit deep sleep at all. we had to be at the hospital by 6-6:3o the next morning for a 9AM operation.

all i could think about when my head hit the pillow is that i would be a mother the very next day. i was excited to meet M, nervous about my very first surgery apart from having my wisdom teeth removed, and scared to death that i'd never get the hang of mothering! i was also concerned that heavy, greasy Mexican food might not have been the best choice of a "last meal" right before a major surgery like that! simulaneously, i was kind of glad to have had such a big meal since i'd have to fast beginning at midnight that night.

J and Rosie at dinner tonight. she was in her own little world...standing up in her chair, just jamming to the mariachi music! J was imitating the tuba's polka-like beat in the music, and she loved it. she tried to make the sounds with him, and they grinned and giggled at each other. i love that she loves the music of her Mexican heritage!

J and his firstborn. she thought it was quite a fancy restaurant! and while J and I don't consider it super-fancy, i guess from her perspective it could be!

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our waitress asked her how old she was, and she answered, "Thr--I mean, FOUR!" i was impressed that she had the forethought to correct herself!

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M loved all the different colors in the place and all of the decorations. we were seated in a section up a little higher than the rest, elevated by a few stairs, and she thought we were on a stage. and she's never been one to shy away from a stage! i love that she loves the vibrant colors and decor of her Mexican heritage!

we had a fun little family celebration, capped off by this yummy sopapilla with cinnamon ice cream! J was able to leave work early today, see M at her ballet class and then go to dinner with us. we were so grateful to have this little pre-celebration...he won't be able to be with us tomorrow on her actual birthday due to a school event.
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this is the actual booth we sat at four years ago tonight. we didn't sit here tonight, so that's not our stuff on the table. we had to stay until the couple left so i could get a photo of the booth! in hindsight, i wish i'd asked to sit here. i'll have to remember to do that next year!

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i hope we've started a tradition in doing this! with each of our children, we ate a different restaurant on the eve of their births, and i want to eat there each year on that date. we discussed it tonight and had a good laugh--with M, it was here at mariano's. with Rosie, it was spring creek bbq. and with "Stu", it was luby's! interesting--and telling!

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i've always loved birthdays, but now that we have our own children they've taken on a whole new level of importance. it's great fun to celebrate each of our children for the people they are, but their birthdays are also built-in opportunities to reflect inwardly about the achievements i've made through each of them. motherhood is so rewarding, and i wouldn't trade this job for anything!
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october 1: to grandmother's house we go

a couple of weeks ago we made plans to meet up with Grandma (aka my mom). it was a rare treat for us--with her fighting leukemia and undergoing chemo, the stars have to be perfectly aligned for us to see her. all four of us have to be well since her immune system is severely depressed at times, she has to be feeling well (which means she's on a chemo off-week), and her blood levels have to be at certain points. (she's in remission now, in case i haven't mentioned it here. but she's on a course of chemo treatment that usually falls in a one week on then off for two pattern through probably the end of the year as a preventative measure.)

originally we'd planned to meet at the park by the house they're staying at, but when we got there it began to rain. so we formulated plan B.

instead, Grandma invited us to come over to her house! and it was very special for us because we'd never been there. she'd sold basically everything early this summer to be gone several months hiking the appalachian trail, and she was in the middle of the hike when she discovered the leukemia. so when they returned to begin treatment, they had nowhere to live. luckily they found a house rented especially to cancer patients and their families. it's a lot like a b&b--people rent the bedrooms and share common areas of the rest of the house. and the prices are very comparable to an apartment.

since there are other patients living in the house, me and the children had never been there so as not to leave any germs behind. but at that point there was only one other couple there who've been there several weeks like my mother, and they told her they'd love for us to come visit. so we finally got to!
here are our children on the daybed in the sunroom. they had a blast!

"Stu" was chillin'.

"Stu" and Rosie

and here's "Old, Wrinkly Bald Grandma" with M and Rosie. my mother is aware that M calls her this, and if you know my mother you won't be surprised to learn that she loves it and does all she can to encourage it!

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it all started off with "Old Grandma". M has two grandmothers, and my mother just happens to be older than J's mom. so M began to distinguish them by calling her "Old Grandma". and later she added "Old, Wrinkly Grandma". well now that Mother has lost her hair from the chemo (actually, she shaved it the moment it began to fall out and continues to keep it shaven), M has been able to add "bald" to the list.

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and so she's at this point "Old, Wrinkly Bald Grandma"!

sweet sisters posing for Grandma's camera! i love how she can get them to do anything. any time i try to take a picture of them, they turn around or run away. i guess it's part of the magic of being a grandmother!

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this common room--the sunroom--is my favorite one of the whole house! it has a couch, lots of different but related chairs, and a daybed set up like a couch. when mother moved in, the room was completely filled with silk flowers, baskets, vases, and assorted furniture. it's been my mother's ongoing project, as her energy level allows, to clean it up and repurpose it into the sunroom it was intended to be. we spent most of our time there in this room. i wanted to stay there and curl up on the daybed with a good book and some coffee! the decor is all blue and yellow garden theme, and there are so many pretty windows in there to watch the rain. when i imagine my own sunroom, i imagine this one!

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it was a lovely afternoon. Grandma fed us snacks, read some children's books, and made us laugh. the girls had a ball with all the baskets and flowers. they walked around with baskets of flowers passing them out to us and "decorating" with them. they helped Grandma sweep. they walked around the dark hallways of the house with little plastic battery-operated lanterns (they LOVE lanterns and flashlights!)

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we're blessed to be able to see her whenever we can! as expected, the girls did NOT want to leave...

on letting go

J just pulled out of the driveway, and i feel like part of my heart is in a couple of storage tubs in the back of the car with him. he's on his way to our local consignment event because this year i finally decided to take the plunge and begin culling some of our baby girl clothes.

this is such an uncomfortable feeling for me. i'm not terribly attached to stuff anymore now that i'm an adult, but when it comes to my children and their things, it's a completely different story. there's not much associated with them that i can't link to some sort of memory that i want to forever hold. and for the same twisted rationale that i know a lot of you can relate to, i feel like if i keep the "stuff", i keep the memory. which i know in my head isn't true. it's in my heart where the memories live!

i had a facebook exchange with my high school friend andi the other day, and we were talking about this very thing--letting go of our baby girls' stuff. i told her the hardest things for me to let go of are the one-wearing things like dresses and other special occasion pieces, and she told me it's the everyday wear that does it for her--the sleepers, etc.

andi, you're right. and now i get it. :0)

oh, the sleepers!! i'm allowing myself to keep the pieces that i'm really, really attached to, and the pile of sleepers is by far the largest chunk. i just can't help it--once i began sorting through the sleepers, i was immediately transported back to being a mother of newborn baby girls. i'm the mother of a newborn now, but he's a boy and that's a completely different scenario. the distance between being a mom to baby girls has grown a lot, so i was surprised at how vividly i could remember it all once i got my hands back on those tiny little sleepers.

it's been a healing and encouraging couple of days as i've prepared for the sale. healing because i've realized that i remember more than i think i do, and as a mom who beats herself up for not recording enough about my babies' lives, it's a relief to extend some grace to myself. i need to do that more often! and encouraging as i've been able to reflect on the victories i've experienced in the last almost-four years--as the sizes of my childrens' clothes get bigger, i need to celebrate all that i've accomplished in parenting these God-entrusted lives! keeping another person alive is in and of itself a reason to cheer! it's really a big deal that i think we all take for granted.

if it was up to me, i'd keep every single article of my childrens' clothing. but not only would it be a waste of space, but i've realized this week that it would be a wasted blessing as well. those soft little articles of baby clothing were created for a purpose--to envelop a sweet, warm little baby in soft comfort. and hoarding those clothes for myself would keep them from a reincarnation of sorts. if blessing one mom with beautiful memories of newborn children dressed in those clothes is good, isn't passing them on to other moms to experience the blessings even better? i pray that our clothes get passed around from mom to mom to mom! what a privilege to know that the clothes that meant so much to us can mean so much all over again to other moms.

J is the one who went up there tonight to drop our clothes, and i am so grateful. it'll save me from dropping them off tomorrow with all three children in tow, which would be a nightmare! and it also reminds me of what a good man he is. how he goes out of his way to honor and serve us. drop-off began at 9:30 tonight, and he decided he'd be the one to go out there to save me the hassle and physical exertion. i love that man! i can't imagine the scene--tons of chicks and my man. who's the probably the only dude there! and he brought a huge dolly to load it all on once he arrived. ever the Eagle Scout, he is. always prepared. i tease him about being equipment-nerdy like that, but deep down in my heart it's one of his most endearing qualities.

i am a tad disappointed that i'm not there in person, though. foremost because i'm a control freak who's never done this before and wants to experience check-in firsthand, but for another reason as well. i'm just so curious if this process is as hard for other moms, and it would be interesting to be there tonight to experience the mood in the room. it's something all moms experience, whether they choose to donate their clothes, pass them on to friends, have a garage sale or consign them like us. so i wonder what it would be like to be in the same room with hundreds of other moms who are experiencing the letting go together.

i was the saddest of all when i was tagging my items earlier this evening, realizing that today would be the last day i'd hold them in my hands. i took pictures of a lot of the clothes that were meaningful but not considered keepsakes, so happily i'll have that documentation for posterity. and all things considered, i'm feeling pretty good now. my spirits are lifting.

and my spirits will really be high when i get my check in the mail in two weeks!

sure, i can make anything keepsake-worthy if i try hard enough. and as the children outgrow clothes, i'm going to experience this every year when consignment time comes. maybe even moreso as their growth plateaus and they wear articles of clothing for longer periods and make more memories in them than barely worn newborn clothes! i've got a long road ahead...

so lots to be proud about this week: successfully guiding two girls out of infant- and toddlerhood, letting go of "stuff", learning how to show myself grace...

...and that i only made one "second-thoughts" call to J to ask him to bring an article of clothing home with him!

against the grain

just when i thought i'd gotten somewhat of a grasp on homekeeping and the little details that are required to keep the home of a family of five in order, this week i hit a snag.

i shouldn't be surprised, though, because it happens to me every time! the vicious cycle. i get in a clean-house groove one week, then the next week all motivation is lost and i let everything go.

i'm in that "slump" again this week, but it's a different scenario: this week, i'm giving myself permission to let the housework (save for the daily basics like the floors, etc.) go in favor of simply enjoying my children without feeling guilty about it! and it's been eye-opening and unexpectedly refreshing.

and the funny thing is, i actually feel more accomplished than if i'd been able to mark everything off my to-do list!

it happens multiple times in my day: one of the children will invite me to come join them in an activity, and my response is almost always (with an inward pang of guilt) "sure! just as soon as i'm done with X..."

i hate that so much!

it's the worst kind of conflicted feeling for me: if i'm playing with my children, i can't stop thinking about the work i should be doing. and if i'm doing the work i need to do, i can't stop thinking that i should be playing with my children. for an OCD perfectionist, it's absolute torture. i never feel like i'm making the right choice.

but this week, i think i've figured it out! and i've felt good. i've let my children more or less set the agenda for our days, and for this structure-loving mom, it's been a nice departure to just flow with them spontaneously from kid-selected activity to activity. the days have been theirs!

with only one stipulation: when the children want to stop one activity and move on to another, they have to clean up activity A first! which has worked beautifully toward maintaining some order in this super-small house.

some fun scenes from our last few days:
poor Barbie! death by toy washing machine.

Rosie riding her "bike" this past weekend. Daddy's motorcycle in the background. Her t-shirt says "My Dad Rocks" in AC/DC font. i didn't stage this photo before i took it. but i couldn't help but giggle when i uploaded it!

and from today, here's the girls' Little People princess and carriage set. i mention it because today we hit a new milestone: i implemented "forced sharing by egg timer". the girls spent a good bit fighting over this this morning, so i busted out the timer for the first time. they spent five-minute increments playing with it, and to my delight it worked beautifully! i wasn't sure it would go down well, but i think it's a great solution for us. for now, at least!

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their bickering this morning isn't new...it's a problem that's been surfacing here and there lately as the girls have gotten older. it's really causing me to stress out about our Christmas gifts. i'm wondering if i need to get them two of everything or scrap that and get them each different things and call it "starting their character building early by forcing them to share"?! the advantage to buying them different things, though they don't get it at this age, is that they'll end up with a wider variety of toys!

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the other reason i took the picture of the carriage? notice who's driving.

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the princess.

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when i pointed out to M that the princess was driving, she told me matter-of-factly, "the prince needs to rest." (and my mom friends have already noted that the "prince" just happens to be "Michael the fireman" from the Little People fire truck set!)

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my sweet girl...i'm so proud of her imagination, her ability to make do with the resources she has, and her ability to go against conventional wisdom at such a young age...

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she's not afraid to let the princess take the reigns!

stew for "Stu"

ok, so maybe not exactly STEW, per se...

we got the go-ahead to start "Stu" on his first solids at his fourth-month check-up, and yesterday we finally got around to trying it! J fed him his first "real" meal the same way he delivered Rosie's and M's: on his lap.
first bite! (and yes, that IS an NRA bib he's wearing. it was the first thing J bought for him when we learned he was a boy! and coincidentally, J happens to be wearing an NRA t-shirt, too.)

checking it out. (i SO wonder what's going through his head!)

uh-oh...looking away is usually not a good sign.

but in the end, he decided he liked it, i think!

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observations: it's only his first spoon-feeding, but i do believe that Sir "Stu" just might be a neat eater! that would make this neat-freak mama insanely happy. but i won't hold my breath!

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the boy can EAT. he ate almost all of the portion we made for him! i knew he'd like it. the last couple of weeks he's been particularly interested in what we're eating, so i've been thinking he's ready to move up in the food world. he's so cute when we eat. he'll get super-excited and kick his legs, bounce up and down, start flapping his arms, and he'll crane his neck to stare at whatever's on our plates! i'd better start learning how to make bigger portions. i can't imagine what it'll be like when he's a teenager! our grocery bill will be staggering, i bet.

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i have mixed emotions about this milestone. on one hand, i'm looking forward to acquainting him with solid foods as soon as possible so we can wean him easily (neither of our other children had a difficult time weaning, so i don't expect he will either) and i can stop washing bottles and their endless "parts", but it's also another sad step closer to growing up, and i don't know if i want my last baby to do that... haha!